14 May 2026

Being your authentic self

Most people ask themselves some version of this question eventually: how do I be true to myself instead of living out other people's expectations? I first wrote about this in 2022. Coming back to it now, I'd say the answer hasn't changed, but I can put it more plainly: you treat it like a system.

Get clear on the goal

A goal you can't recite is a goal you don't have. If someone woke you at 3am and asked what you're working towards, you should be able to answer without thinking.

Ray Dalio's five-step process from Principles is still the best framework I've found: have clear goals, identify the problems standing in the way and refuse to tolerate them, diagnose the problems to their root cause, design plans around them, and then do what's necessary to push those plans through to results.

The practice that makes it stick is stupidly simple. Every morning, take a blank sheet of paper and write your goals down from memory. No reference. Whatever comes out is what actually matters to you right now. The goals you forget to write down are telling you something too.

Decide who you want to be

Not who society wants you to be. Not who your family assumed you'd be. Who do you want to be at the end of the year? Whose eulogy do you want yours to be?

Then ask why. What are your motivations? What would it let you do that you can't do now? An honest hour alone with those questions is worth more than a shelf of self-help books.

And then go do something. Try things. Fail at some of them. The quote I've never been able to shake is from a 1994 Steve Jobs interview: everything around you that you call life was made up by people no smarter than you, and you can change it, mould it, build your own things that other people can use. Once you actually believe that, you don't go back.

Courage is doing it scared

I'm a UFC fan, and the thing that fascinates me most isn't the fighting, it's the interviews before it. Ask a fighter if they're scared and most of them say yes. Nervous, anxious, afraid. Then they walk into the cage anyway.

That's the whole definition. Courage isn't the absence of fear. It's deciding something matters more than the fear. You'll need it, because becoming yourself reliably requires doing things that terrify you.

Take personal inventory on a schedule

This is where the system comes in. Reflection that isn't scheduled doesn't happen.

Yearly. On the first day of the new year, lock yourself in a room for a few hours. Replay the year. Write down the significant events, good and bad. Check last year's goals honestly: some got smashed early, some never got attempted, some failed and taught you something. Then set goals for the new year across your domains. Mine are Health, Wealth, Love and Happiness, with at least five goals in each. Do the budget at the same time, with real numbers from the year just gone.

Monthly. First day of the month, calendar reminder, fifteen minutes. Has anything changed in your domains? Do any goals need recalibrating?

Weekly. Sunday works for most people. Did you do what you said you'd do? If not, does it get rescheduled or eliminated?

Daily. Rewrite your goals in the morning, and plan tomorrow today. I plan the next work day about an hour before I pack up. You wake up already knowing what to do, and you skip the slow, foggy start-up time entirely.

Find your purposes, plural

I don't like it when people talk about finding your Purpose, singular. You have more than one. If your purpose were only to grow a business, would that mean your family takes lower priority? Of course not.

Some of my purposes: raising my young family with nothing left on the table, and helping people who feel lost find their way, because I was one of them for most of my life. Nobody can hand you your purposes. Reflect on where your time goes, what your strengths are, and what makes time fly. If you're stuck, Zig Ziglar's line points the way out: you get what you want in life by helping enough other people get what they want.

Ask people what you're actually like

You can't see yourself clearly. The people around you can. Ask your family, colleagues and friends what your strengths and weaknesses are, and use a big enough sample that patterns emerge. People will tell you your strengths readily and go quiet about your weaknesses, so give them a way to write it down instead of saying it to your face.

Then do the obvious thing: sharpen the strengths, and either fix the weaknesses or build around them. Dalio again: weaknesses don't matter if you find solutions.

Be grateful the whole way through

The last piece is gratitude, practised daily, not felt occasionally. When you're grateful for what you have, the past makes sense, the present is enough, and you stop needing more before you can be content. Everything above works better when it's built on that.